American Idol 8 Top 4. Rock Week. Sigh. Fail.

It’s Rock Night on American Idol. Y’all pray for me, yo. Oh, and they’re doing what I’ve wished they would do all along, pairing off for duets. Awesome.

Whoa. So they had an accident on set, and the contestants didn’t even get a proper run-through! Egad! What will this unprecedented situation beget?! Mayhem, I predict! Mayhem!

Ryan introduces the judges. The Staple (?) Randy Jackson. Kara Dioguardi. “A big week for Paula Abdul.” SPIKE: Because she finally admitted the drug problem? SARAHK: Now it won’t be funny to joke about. Thanks, Pauler. SPIKE: You’ll do it anyway, though, right? SARAHK: Well, yeah, but now it’ll just be like I’m picking on her.

:-( I didn’t know David Cook’s brother died Saturday. My condolences.

So Slash is the mentor this week, and instead of gathering them ’round the piano, Slash decided to take the kids to Roxy and put them onstage with a band at full volume.

01 Slash is impressed with Adam’s pipes and natural ability. He tells Adam to just not improvise so much in the upper registers. Adam says ok, because I’ll do anything Slash tells me. Adam is diva’d out good in a silver studded spiky jacket, spiky hair, *eye roll* skinny jeans. He totally kills the song (”Whole Lotta Love”). He’ll most likely be untouchable tonight. RANDY: This is the Adam that I love. Rock star tonight! I hope you consider when you make a record, you should do rock. You and Slash should make a record together! KAHRA: Let me vomit you the most emotive myriad words like EVAH. I think I am Janet Jackson tonight. SPIKE: She’s dressed a bit like Adam, actually. SARAHK: He pulls it off better. Ack, girly, put your ponytail where it belongs, stop making it your hood ornament. KAHRA: I’m still talking and will likely be talking for the remainder of eternity. PAULER: You sound great. Adam, how can you improve a Zeppelin song, but I say you’re perfect. SIMON: I thought the performance was a little understated. This could have been an absolute disaster taking on one of the best rock songs of all time. But it was actually one of my favorite performances you’ve ever done. The problem is nobody can top that now. SARAHK: ‘Strue, ’strue.

That Minute Maid commercial cracked me up. Well done.

02 Absolutely no surprise that Allison is doing Janis Joplin, right, Nightfly? But this makes me think she’s gonna drunken-slur it all. She went to Adam’s hair girl to get ready for rock week. Looks pretty rockish. Slash tells her she’s predisposed for the Joplin thing. Says she has a natural r’n'r swagger. His criticism is that she needs to get past the fear part, bring it. She’s doing “Cry Baby.” I actually thought this was great. She looks good, she sings well, and the slurring (ha! I wrote “slutting”) works with this song. RANDY: You can sing your face off, you can sing anything. I didn’t love this, it wasn’t that great for me. KAHRA: Janis is the right choice for you, bluesy rock. But… mmm. “Piece of My Heart”? I see your personality in your performances. I wanna give you that prop. PAULER: If they ever do a biopic on Janis Joplin, you’ve got the part. You did a great job. SIMON: I was just thinking tonight, the different in 8 weeks from where you were to where you are tonight is staggering. Great confidence. Trying too much to be like the original. So, compliment, too soundalike. No originality. I would have chosen a Queen song. ALLISON argues or something, and SIMON likes that, and I’m just ready for them to move it along. There’s a Bones on DVD I’d like to watch tonight.

Danny and Kris, a boy, are onstage together to sing “Renegade” by Styx. They’re not so fit for rock week, but I do love their harmonies. Kinda makes me think of The Eagles. RANDY: Yo, dude. I really liked the harmonies. KAHRA: Them singing “Renegade” does not compute for me, because these are the guys that are helping the little old ladies across the street. PAULER: Powerful, compelling. SIMON: Danny, you were better than Kris, how’s that?

SPIKE: Wait, they’re doing duets? SARAHK: Thanks for paying attention. Yes. Kris and Danny now, and I assume Adam and Allison at the end of the show. SPIKE: So the kings first, then the queens. Right.

03 Kris, a boy even though he and Kris Kristofferson spell their name like a girl, is singing “Come Together.” Was gonna do “Revolution,” changed his mind. Probably a good choice. Slash loaned Kris a guitar for rehearsal. Kris almost wanted to pee his pants. Slash tells him to be more animated, and if he picks up the live performance, that will help. You can tell Slash is more into Adam and Allison than the others. It’s natural given it’s Rock Week. This was good, not great, not even close to Adam… he’s more of a folksy rock guy. I really liked the second verse. I’m sad, because I don’t think it’s enough to beat Allison, and I think he’s gone. RANDY: You’re not really this kinda rock guy, but I appreciate you picking something where you can still be yourself. I loved what you were playing on the guitar. I enjoyed it, coming from someone who’s not really a rock rock guy. KAHRA: You’re definitely the softer side of rock. For me, this wasn’t a great performance. PAULER: It’s kind of risky to do a Beatles song. It’s what you do with the song and your imprint. You are an artist on this stage. You need a little more energy. SIMON: I actually didn’t like it that much. It was rather like eating ice for lunch. It will leave you with nothing to remember afterwards. It was quite boring, safe, a bit of a jam. I didn’t believe anything was gonna top Adam, and I was right. RYAN: You’re far too rich to have ice for lunch. SIMON: No, it’s made from mineral water. SPIKE: Ha! Well played, ya poncy git.

04 Danny is singing “Dream On.” Oh sigh. I wish he was doing Eminem’s cover, “Sing For the Moment.” But holy. In rehearsals, was that him? Crap, I didn’t know he could do that. Slash says it will come down to the moment. And I’m on like pins and needles here. The super-high part at the end, he’s not even going for falsetto, he’s going for the full-on Adam-screamy NOTE there, and I’m scared, and it has potential, and then… fail. Sigh. I don’t even have the heart to write it in all caps. In rehearsal he had it. I’m thinking he wore out his voice rehearsing it. But no, it wasn’t good. Dang. RANDY: Once again, I know this is not your genre. I’ll give you one thing, it wasn’t that great. I’ll give you an A+ for valiant effort. KAHRA: I think you took the swagger comment too far. I’m all about them words, unencumbered numbered words. Blaaaaahhhhhhdeblah. PAULER: I don’t know if this was the right song for you. But I give you an A++ for going for it. SIMON: I agree with everyone, but the last note, it was like a horror movie. It was like this scream. It was over the top. It works for Adam, it didn’t work for you. But I still think you’ll be safe. SARAHK: I hope so. I wish they’d done Rock Week earlier. I can’t handle the angsty suspense I’m gonna feel all day tomorrow.

Adam and Allison are doing “Slow Ride” together. I’m sure they’ve played it together on Guitar Hero like the rest of us. Adam sings “slow ride” while Allison sings “hlow ride.” Their harmonies aren’t nearly as good as Danny & Kris’s. Wow, Adam. Gayer pants have ne’er been worn. RANDY: You guys are our two seasoned rockstars in the house. You guys should duet on your albums. KAHRA: Rock god, rock goddess. This is when the duet is right. PAULER: You two are the perfect blend, perfect marriage. SPIKE: Perfect gay marriage. SIMON: In the battle of the duets, you win the show tonight. SARAHK: I disagree. I thought the harmonies on the other duet were so much better. SIMON: Allison has a chance to stay in the competition because of that.

For me:
Adam
Kris
Allison
Danny (I’m so sorry, Danny, my love, it’s just the end was kind of fail. Not epic fail, but fail.)

Alice? ALICE: Bottom two will be Kris and Allison, and Ryan will call it a huge shocker or something. Kris will go home.

UPDATE: Nightfly weighs in.